I'm so fucking centered right now
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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