it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
