she woke up with a sticky ear
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
