I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
