So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
