wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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