I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
