Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Farmville is her only friend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
