there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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