I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
