we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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