My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
