You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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