Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
