Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
