Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
