Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
