no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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