Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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