Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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