I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
