The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
