Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
