It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
