I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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