Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
then he tried to convert me to islam
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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