You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
