I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
