I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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