just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
