i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
