drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
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