I met the friendliest cop last night
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
