I'm sorry my penis didn't work
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
3 2 1 whiskey
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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