Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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