she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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