You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
