Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
