a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize