dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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