She is in my trunk
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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