I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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