he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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