dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
