It was confusing and full of hummus
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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