she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
