I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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