Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
