If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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