it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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