I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
