don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
