i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
