Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
