Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
