He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
