I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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