Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was confusing and full of hummus
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize