Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
